10 Reasons Dating a Vampire Sucks

In this day and age where vampires, both the good and the naughty, are all the blood-thirsty rage, little twittering tween girls (and oh, I admit, me too) will gladly give you about a million reason why dating Edward or Stefan or Mr. Bill Compton (or if you're old school like me, Spike or Angel) would be the only thing worth living (or hey, dying!) for, the ever insightful Park Bench throws its weight with the opposing camp with 10 Reasons Dating a Vampire Sucks.

Now, it's not necessarily true that you can only ever find yourself a vamp-boytoy who doesn't merely sparkle like a gay little fairy in the sun or that doesn't happen to have a family ring that acts as the most powerful sunblock in existence - but I'm sure there are vamps out there who DO burn-up like La Push driftwood if caught in the sun. And it's not necessarily true that every eligible vampire has such bad fashion sense as to always tend towards wearing capes... or that every hot, young, single vamp has a garlic allergy... but anything is possible.

I'm just saying... Don't knock it til you've tried it... I mean...ummm...

10 Reasons Dating a Vampire Sucks

10. They can't go outside in the daytime.
Honestly, you might as well be dating a well-dressed rock for all the daytime action you won't be enjoying with this dead weight around your neck. No days out at the art fair or trips to the ballgame. Even if you somehow get him to the beach, he'll just embarrass you with his gamy white skin before bursting into flames and taking his shame with him. And in the time it takes him to immolate, you wouldn't even be able to roast a marshmallow. Vampires even ruin beach s'mores. Jerks.

9. They don't like garlic...and now you can't either.
Remember all those fun times and delicious meals you had at your local Olive Garden? Yeah, I hope you took some pictures because those were the last bread sticks and meatballs you'll ever ingest, thanks to the big pasty loser moping next to you.

8. They're invisible in mirrors.
Vampires can't see their own reflections. That means your bloodlusty beau will be depending on you, missy, to tell him what he looks like EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY. "Do these pants make me look hippy?" "Does this cape make me look fey?" "Is my widow's peak too derivative of Grandpa Munster?" Natter, natter, natter. Trust me, you're going to wish you could stake him twice.

7. They're nocturnal.
You know how sometimes your cat spazzes out and gets all hyper in the middle of the night, running back and forth over your face and yowling until you pet it? Right there? That's your new boyfriend. He just hasn't decided to poop in a box yet.

6. Stranger in a strange land syndrome
Have you ever gone to a foreign country and met one of your countrymen out of the blue and suddenly, you two are best friends because there's no one else like you within a 50 mile radius? Count Lonelypants is going to do that too. He'll want to be friends with every other vampire he runs into. And then he'll drag them back to your place and they'll stay up all night drinking hamsters and talking about is how much Transylvania's changed and how you never want to let him bite you anymore even though you guys used to bite each other like bunnies four or five times a day. Wah, wah, wah!

5. He'll relate to every vampyric pop culture reference ever made.
Want to make a joke about "Twilight?" He'll sulk for days. Casually mention that no vampire will ever be better than Spike? He'll lock himself in his casket for a week. Declare that Coppola's "Dracula" wasn't as bad as you remembered? He'll freeze you out for months. Even worse, he'll get all excited about the vampires he likes -- Count Chocula, Bram Stoker, Ann Coulter. Boring!

4. He'll be skittish around the word "stake."
No more "going Outback tonight" for you guys. The first time he hears "$9.99 for a 6 ounce steak" he's going to run like a pretty little girl, and berate you for your insensitivity. And then you'll laugh and laugh and laugh...

3. He'll be all arrogant and authoritative about vampire lore.
Could Bugs Bunny really turn that vampire into a bat by saying, "Hocus Pocus?" Would the mullets of "The Lost Boys" have been accepted within the stylist wheelhouse? Do fang whiteners really work? And how the hell do you floss overgrown incisors anyway? He'll tell you, and probably in a fancy voice.

2. One word: capes
Some of your more old school and debonair vampires likely will wear capes, better suited to sweeping departures down dark alleys and hiding stolen watches for sale after baseball games. That's all well and good, but here's your problem. Have you ever tried to hang up a cape? It's impossible! There's no shoulders or sleeves; they just slide right off the hanger. So then you just drape them over a chair right? No, because then they get wrinkled. How about hanging them over a balcony? Again with the wrinkles. You could pin them to something, but then there's holes in the fabric. You, quite literally, will spend weeks trying to figure out what to do with this goddamn cape.

1. Everyone hates a biter.
Remember in grade school when there was always some little boy named Timmy or Blake who would run up and just randomly bite people to get attention? Remember how much you hated him and tried to stuff him into the tire swing? Your buddy Count Nipalot is going to want to bite you ALL THE TIME. And sure, the first few times are fun if you're into that, but after a while, you're going to get anemic and then you're going to have to eat more spinach. So think about that: biting and spinach. What kind of life is that?


I really do hate spinach...

Check out Park Bench for all your nerdy needs. I just can't handle them all by myself. It's just too much pressure!

The Thing About Dollhouse

Spoiler Warning!!!!!

Maybe it was the long, relaxing shower or the slightly melancholy thoughts of old friends that I have become disconnected with over time, or perhaps the combination of both, but it was Saturday morning after watching the newest Dollhouse episode that I finally realized, or maybe accepted, what it was that Dollhouse was missing; the glitch that was making the show feel hazy and unattainable.

It came to me as both simple and obvious, but it was a simple and obvious truth that had never existed in any Joss Whedon show. That's probably why I missed it in the first place. In fact, it is a staple, a wide-sweeping signature of any preceding Whedon show that is the very thing that is making Dollhouse...less. I am speaking of it's lack of deep, meaningful and solid relationships.

I have heard some people complain that Dollhouse hasn't contained much of that witty-Whedon dialogue that we love so much...but I don't think that's the real problem. Even if we did have that dialogue, no matter how great, it would mean little without the relationships to support it. If we look at it from that perspective, it's perhaps that very lack of character connection that is at fault for our missing dialogue.

This lack of connection, for the characters and therefore the audience, is plainly displayed in both Paul Ballard, our one and only constant outside the Dollhouse, and within all the actives and employees in the Dollhouse. The reason behind this lack in all the characters of the Dollhouse is evident by the very definition of the show; it's about people being constantly wiped clean of personality, uploaded with a new one, wiped clean again, uploaded again with yet a different personality, and so on. There is no constant here, nothing to cling to and we find ourselves, much like Echo at times, searching for a familiar face, feeling or instinct to guide us towards the safety and comfort that deep attachment can bring. But as much as we enjoy watching these obviously deep and complex characters (Topher is one of my personal favorites), it's hard to love them or love to hate them or sympathize with them on any deep emotional level. The ones who aren't dolls (Topher, Claire, Adelle, etc) live, work and breathe around the dolls and since their work relationships tend towards the creepy (Topher/Claire) or just the cold (Adelle/everyone else), they too lack any deep and abiding relationships to support them. The one exception I will list here is Boyd. He is the one character I find that I can feel for, that I can connect to more deeply than any other character, even Echo herself. It is his concern and care, what can only been seen as fatherly (Watcher-ly) affection and worry, towards Echo and his clear outlook on what is right and what is wrong that allows for such a character-viewer bond in this one and only case. He is also the one person that Echo finds that she can cling to, even in moments of fading memory and personal chaos ("Target", "Briar Rose"). This also helps pave the viewers' way to seeing Boyd as someone they can trust and relate to. Unfortunately, Boyd has seen very little screen time lately, not to mention that his removal as Echo's handler has distanced her and us from him, causing our tentative connect to become even looser.

As for Paul Ballard, he voiced this problem himself in the latest episode, "Briar Rose": "My whole life, my whole life isn't real". The one character that should have been our constant, should have been the person to forge the more likely lasting relationships, is instead surrounded by dolls. Every relationship he's had (except the rare professional one), every deep conversation he's been apart of, has been with a doll. If say, we had some back-story or some time with him that wasn't related to the Dollhouse, we could have the material to forge some connection to him. But we don't have that material and ever since we've known Paul Ballard he has been lost and confused and so we, the viewers, have been lost and confused with him. He has no anchor in this chaos, now even more so since discovering Echo's resistance to being rescued and his soon to be finding that even his reluctant co-rescuer is in fact a cold-blooded, psycho killer. His constantly unstable reality causes us to keep our distance from him emotionally, no matter how stunning he looks without a shirt on. Also, his righteousness is less touching than it should be, considering we don't really understand yet WHY he is so gung-ho about finding Caroline and bringing down the Dollhouse. Instead of chivalrous, he comes off as slightly looney-toons in his desperation and blind need.

I have never come across this problem with Joss' shows before so I find it difficult to express how I feel about Dollhouse. With Buffy, it was her relationships with her friends, family and Watcher that made her special, that allowed her to live long past the time that any other Slayer had ever survived. All of Xander's witticisms, all of Angel's dead-pan lines, all of Buffy's sarcastic retorts; they would have all been meaningless without the support of the relationships around them. The same goes for the characters in Angel - Wesley's dark transformation (one of the best ever on television) would never have been possible without the loss of his friends and eventually the loss of his one true love (Fred) - and goes for Firefly as well. The relationships do not revolve around the story - the story revolves around the relationships. The story comes from the relationships. And that is why they were great shows. And that is what Dollhouse is missing.

Don't get me wrong. I love Dollhouse. I love it for it for the fun, I love it for the Tahmoh, I love it for the potential and I love it for trying. What we need more than anything is a second season. We need the time for character and relationship development and we need the time to correct the story flow, which has been choppy - I'm sure due to network interference . We need that chance. Even though it's a chance in Hell, I am choosing to go against my nature and look upon this chance optimistically. If Joss has taught me anything in the 13 years he's been apart of my life, it is to laugh in the face of any "chance in hell" situation...and then hide until it goes away.

Scoop o' News

I begin this post with a piece of devastating news. Andy Hallet, who played Lorne on Angel, died Sunday night from heart failure. Lorne was a fan favorite on Angel and one it's most endearing and colorful characters (literally). Personally, I believe the show was at it's best when he was on screen and he was a key part of some of the best episodes. He is in our thoughts and he will be be sorely missed.

For more information, go here.

Here is a small scene from Season 2 of Angel, featuring the great talents of Andy Hallet.






In other, lighter news, the premiere for True Blood season 2 has been confirmed for June 14th. Some new photos from the second season have been posted online and they are getting me seriously keyed up. Bring on the gore, sex and forbidden love!

For more pics, go here.


Alyson Hannigan and Alexis Denisof are the proud parents of a baby girl, Satyana Denisof! She was born March 24th, giving her the same birthday as her mother. Congrats to the new mommy and daddy!
Side note: Not that I don't LOVE Alyson and Alexis, but seriously, what is WITH celebrities and crazy baby names? It's like the two just go hand in hand. Sheesh.

TV Review


What's Getting Good:

1) Dollhouse. Since the first episodes, which were ok but lacked the tell-tale Joss greatness, I have held onto the hope that we would soon start to see a story that pulled deeply to us, one like Buffy's story and Angel's story and Malcolm Reynolds' story. Even like Dr. Horrible's story. As was expected, my faith has been rewarded and Dollhouse is now blowing me away each week. I cannot wait to see more of it, especially when it comes to the obviously damaged, but incredibly intriguing eye-candy that is Paul Ballard. Ummmm...Tahmoh.

2) Heroes. Yes, I know, I know. Most people are SO over this show. But if you were EVER going to give it a second chance, now is the time. Bryan Fuller is officially back on the writing team, the story is starting to level out and our characters are slowly coming back to themselves. Sylar is finally over his daddy issues and back in the Fugitives game and just as I suspected, he is teaming up with Danko. What was unexpected in this development is the hilarity that the two evil masterminds bring to their evil plans. Who would have thought those two dark and sinister characters could bring out the chuckles?

3) Supernatural. We are finally back to the real struggle. Angels vs demons vs humans. The "been there, done that" filler episodes have been benched and we are now getting back to the nitty-gritty, ploughing inevitably towards the season's final battle between our favorite Winchester brothers and also an unknown character death. Let me just say, if it's Bobby, I'm writing a strongly worded email to the writers.

What's Losing It:

1) Castle. I'm not 100% decided on this show yet and it's still entertaining enough but something new needs to be introduced into the formula to keep this show from turning boring and repetitive. As you know, I'm all for Nathan Fillion and his performance is as witty and adorable as usual, but the truth's the truth.

What's New:

1) Kings. So far, so good. I'm not really one for politics and that's certainly what this show seems to be centering on, but even that doesn't keep me from enjoying it. It has a unique way of spinning an unoriginal idea (the noble man/soldier against a corrupt city/government) and making it seem original, mostly due to the fact that it looks like our world, it feels like our world, but it's not our world. But it COULD be our world. It contains surprisingly deep and complex characters and behind them all lurk dark and mysterious secrets. It's compelling, interesting and not without it's own baby-faced, handsome hero.

2) Cupid. It premieres tonight so I'll keep you updated. The main reason I am giving this show a try is because it's Rob Thomas' (Veronica Mars) baby and I know what that man can do. So far the reviews haven't been great, but I'm willing to see for myself. Stay tuned.

Heroes Premiere and Thoughts on Characters

I was talking once to a producer here at TNT about Angel. Somehow we got onto the subject of Wesley. He (the producer) told me that he thought Wesley's character development, how his character changed drastically over time (pretty much from Buffy season 3 to Angel season 5) was the most believable transformation of a character on television that he had ever seen. I had not thought much about it until he brought it up, but once he did, I saw the truth in his opinion. Wesley had about 6 years to develop and change as a character and you would not recognize the sissy girly-girl from 3rd season Buffy if you saw him in 4th or 5th season Angel. The events that unfolded for him throughout the Angel series were so traumatic, chaotic and heartbreaking that it is completely believable that he would have become a truly different kind of person by the end. It was so believable in fact, that I hadn't even really noticed how different a person he was until it was pointed out to me.

SPOILERS:

You may be asking yourself what this has to do with the Heroes premiere last night. That's a good question. It comes into play when dealing with the character development theme. I was sitting watching Heroes, on the edge of seat and loving every minute of it, when I realized that I didn't know any of these characters. I didn't know Peter, Nathan, Mohinder...even Hiro and Claire seemed different to me. They were nothing like the people I met in 1st season Heroes. They had changed. The change was apparent in the Petrelli brothers more so than in anyone else. Especially Nathan. And yes, I know that the Peter we saw throughout the whole episode was Future Peter, but even the tiny glimpse of Present Peter (and remembering him from the end of last season) was enough to make me feel like he had changed just as drastically from the 1st to 2nd season as he seemed to have changed going 4 years into the future. Still, it was Nathan and Mohinder that seemed to have little reason for such drastic changes in their characters. Even before Mohinder shot himself up with his recently discovered Hero serum and became all aggressive, scary guy, it seemed out of character for him to even risk testing it before all the possible wrinkles had been ironed out. Mohinder never seemed like the kind of guy to desire a power for himself. He just wanted to help people, to finish what his father had started, to honor his name. How did he suddenly become this power-hungry mad scientist? It didn't really seem to fit. And don't even get me started on Nathan. I mean, yes, he died for a minute. But almost ALL the characters on this show have died and come back to life before and they never felt the need to suddenly turn to God and NOT notice that hey, my brother is acting a bit off, maybe he's not really Peter and maybe he SHOT me and I should start asking where my REAL brother is. Jeez. Ok, maybe he didn't need to be THAT intuitive, but the whole "God saved me" bit was so very out of character for Nathan that I was scowling at the television every time he was in the frame. I mean, he's a politician for Zeus sake! Not only that, but Nathan seemed like a smart man in season 1, but now he's making the same mistakes he did before and that's just not smart. But then again, it wouldn't be such a great show without the conflict that stupid decisions create. So I guess I shouldn't complain.

Still, because there are just so MANY characters on this show, they can never focus very long on just one character, so any kind of huge transformation for a character will always come as a shock for the audience. They have SO much going on that I barely had time to react to one crazy event before I was moved into ANOTHER crazy event. It's frustrating and totally awesome at the same time. It was such an amazing and thrilling premiere that I am actually excited to go back home and watch it again. I can imagine the list of things I probably missed due to the action moving so fast from one thing to another. All in all, the best and most exciting premiere I have seen yet for this fall season. Bravos Heroes, you're coming back up from behind and we are loving every dang bit of it. May I please have some more, massterrr?

Angel

Howdy all! So sorry again for the lack of posts. It was a busy and wonderful weekend (I got to see all my favorite people and that always makes for the best weekends!) but I'm back on the game now, I promise. Little side note: It's amazing how one little load of laundry can ruin your entire Monday morning routine. Who'd a-thought that a pile of wet clothes could cause so much darn trouble? Seriously ruined my flow...Anyway, I digress. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, but since I work for a television network, I get all kinds of perks. One of these perks is the ability to watch TV every morning (just in the background, of course...). TNT has 2 hours of Angel every morning and since I get the PST time zone channels along with my very own EST time zone channels, I can start every morning off with a nice dose of Joss Whendoness that includes the lovely David Boreanaz. Not a bad way to start every morning, huh? So, since previous Quotes of the Days have included Buffy and Firefly and Doctor Horrible, I guess it's time for some Angel lovin'. Enjoy these tasty quotes and have a wonderful Monday!

Angel: I really don't like it when people shoot me.

Wesley: I'm a rogue demon hunter now.
Cordelia: Wow.
[Pause]
Cordelia: What's a rogue demon?

Angel: Well, not to go all schoolyard on you, but you hit me first.

Spike: [as Rachel] How can I thank you, you mysterious black-clad hunk of a night thing?
[as Angel] No need, little lady, your tears of gratitude are enough for me. You see, I was once a badass vampire, but love and a pesky curse defanged me. Now I'm just a big, fluffy puppy with bad teeth. [Rachel reaches for Angel's head] No, not the hair. Never the hair.
[as Rachel] But there must be some way I can show my appreciation?
[as Angel] No, helping those in need's my job, and working up a load of sexual tension and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough.
[as Rachel] I understand. I have a nephew who is gay, so...
[as Angel] Say no more. Evil's still afoot. And I'm almost out of that nancy-boy hair-gel I like so much. Quickly, to the Angel-mobile, away.

Spike: Right! We are gonna set some ground rules. Number one - don't hit me in the face. Number two - when I hit you in the face, you tell me how it feels, so I can write that on my clipboard. Number three (holds up the clipboard) don't touch my clipboard.

Oh and another side note: I'm still looking for Angel: After the Fall/First Night Vol. 2. Let me know if you see it anywhere. Cover should be like below: