10 Reasons Dating a Vampire Sucks

In this day and age where vampires, both the good and the naughty, are all the blood-thirsty rage, little twittering tween girls (and oh, I admit, me too) will gladly give you about a million reason why dating Edward or Stefan or Mr. Bill Compton (or if you're old school like me, Spike or Angel) would be the only thing worth living (or hey, dying!) for, the ever insightful Park Bench throws its weight with the opposing camp with 10 Reasons Dating a Vampire Sucks.

Now, it's not necessarily true that you can only ever find yourself a vamp-boytoy who doesn't merely sparkle like a gay little fairy in the sun or that doesn't happen to have a family ring that acts as the most powerful sunblock in existence - but I'm sure there are vamps out there who DO burn-up like La Push driftwood if caught in the sun. And it's not necessarily true that every eligible vampire has such bad fashion sense as to always tend towards wearing capes... or that every hot, young, single vamp has a garlic allergy... but anything is possible.

I'm just saying... Don't knock it til you've tried it... I mean...ummm...

10 Reasons Dating a Vampire Sucks

10. They can't go outside in the daytime.
Honestly, you might as well be dating a well-dressed rock for all the daytime action you won't be enjoying with this dead weight around your neck. No days out at the art fair or trips to the ballgame. Even if you somehow get him to the beach, he'll just embarrass you with his gamy white skin before bursting into flames and taking his shame with him. And in the time it takes him to immolate, you wouldn't even be able to roast a marshmallow. Vampires even ruin beach s'mores. Jerks.

9. They don't like garlic...and now you can't either.
Remember all those fun times and delicious meals you had at your local Olive Garden? Yeah, I hope you took some pictures because those were the last bread sticks and meatballs you'll ever ingest, thanks to the big pasty loser moping next to you.

8. They're invisible in mirrors.
Vampires can't see their own reflections. That means your bloodlusty beau will be depending on you, missy, to tell him what he looks like EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY. "Do these pants make me look hippy?" "Does this cape make me look fey?" "Is my widow's peak too derivative of Grandpa Munster?" Natter, natter, natter. Trust me, you're going to wish you could stake him twice.

7. They're nocturnal.
You know how sometimes your cat spazzes out and gets all hyper in the middle of the night, running back and forth over your face and yowling until you pet it? Right there? That's your new boyfriend. He just hasn't decided to poop in a box yet.

6. Stranger in a strange land syndrome
Have you ever gone to a foreign country and met one of your countrymen out of the blue and suddenly, you two are best friends because there's no one else like you within a 50 mile radius? Count Lonelypants is going to do that too. He'll want to be friends with every other vampire he runs into. And then he'll drag them back to your place and they'll stay up all night drinking hamsters and talking about is how much Transylvania's changed and how you never want to let him bite you anymore even though you guys used to bite each other like bunnies four or five times a day. Wah, wah, wah!

5. He'll relate to every vampyric pop culture reference ever made.
Want to make a joke about "Twilight?" He'll sulk for days. Casually mention that no vampire will ever be better than Spike? He'll lock himself in his casket for a week. Declare that Coppola's "Dracula" wasn't as bad as you remembered? He'll freeze you out for months. Even worse, he'll get all excited about the vampires he likes -- Count Chocula, Bram Stoker, Ann Coulter. Boring!

4. He'll be skittish around the word "stake."
No more "going Outback tonight" for you guys. The first time he hears "$9.99 for a 6 ounce steak" he's going to run like a pretty little girl, and berate you for your insensitivity. And then you'll laugh and laugh and laugh...

3. He'll be all arrogant and authoritative about vampire lore.
Could Bugs Bunny really turn that vampire into a bat by saying, "Hocus Pocus?" Would the mullets of "The Lost Boys" have been accepted within the stylist wheelhouse? Do fang whiteners really work? And how the hell do you floss overgrown incisors anyway? He'll tell you, and probably in a fancy voice.

2. One word: capes
Some of your more old school and debonair vampires likely will wear capes, better suited to sweeping departures down dark alleys and hiding stolen watches for sale after baseball games. That's all well and good, but here's your problem. Have you ever tried to hang up a cape? It's impossible! There's no shoulders or sleeves; they just slide right off the hanger. So then you just drape them over a chair right? No, because then they get wrinkled. How about hanging them over a balcony? Again with the wrinkles. You could pin them to something, but then there's holes in the fabric. You, quite literally, will spend weeks trying to figure out what to do with this goddamn cape.

1. Everyone hates a biter.
Remember in grade school when there was always some little boy named Timmy or Blake who would run up and just randomly bite people to get attention? Remember how much you hated him and tried to stuff him into the tire swing? Your buddy Count Nipalot is going to want to bite you ALL THE TIME. And sure, the first few times are fun if you're into that, but after a while, you're going to get anemic and then you're going to have to eat more spinach. So think about that: biting and spinach. What kind of life is that?


I really do hate spinach...

Check out Park Bench for all your nerdy needs. I just can't handle them all by myself. It's just too much pressure!

How To Meet and Woo a Nerdy Girl

It was really a toss-up whether or not to post this blog from Park Bench. On the one hand, it could make me look awesomely bad in the eyes of my many, interchangeable boy crushes, seeing as I fit in almost every one of these Nerd Girl categories perfectly. On the other hand, I'm also proud to be this type of girl. Nerds are totally in right now. What, you don't believe me? What was that you said? You like your girls stick thin, self-possessed and dumb as a lamppost? Well, in that case, I challenge you to a bet. Using Park Bench's incredibly accurate list of tips below, go pick up a Nerdy Girl and just try to come back here and tell me you didn't end up having the time of your life. Go ahead. Off with you!

How to Meet and Woo a Nerdy Girl

Recently, I’ve noticed a lot of folks coming to The Park Bench after Googling “how do I meet a nerdy girl?” Hopefully, this is not the manifestation of some creepy new human trafficking trend but instead is the result of more people wanting to find and date the nerdy woman of their dreams. With that in mind, I offer the following tips:

Tip #1: Know where to look.

The number one thing to know about nerdy girls -- they're probably not going to be doing body shots at the local sports bar on a Friday night. If they're out partying, it's over a micro-brewed pale ale in the quiet corner of their local hole-in-the-wall watering hole. Other good places to spot nerdy women: libraries, bookstores, used bookstores, any other place with books you can think of, comic book stores, knitting stores, craft stores, sitting in the park...reading a book, the local cat fanciers convention, at a midnight showing of "Alien" or in their living rooms, watching "Firefly" again.

Tip #2: It helps to look like this guy:

On the other hand, it helps to look like this guy too:

You're pretty much good either way.

Tip #3: Read lots of books.

Here’s the brutal truth: the nerd girl of your dreams is a brainiac. She’s going to know a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff. You’re going to need to study up -- none of that sitting at the coffee shop with an unread copy of “The Waste Land” in your hand, trying to impress the shallow ladies. Your nerd girl will check to make sure that the spine on the book is cracked and cracked good. She likely also will ask you to compare “The Waste Land” to “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.” If you have to resort to Cliff's Notes, do it surreptitiously. It’s like getting a butt implant – the nerd girls will know you’re faking it.

Tip #4: Don’t slack off on your video game skills.

One of the prime perks of dating a nerdy woman is that she will not yell at you for playing video games rather than, say, going shoe shopping with her. In fact, she likely will sit down next to you and pick up a controller. Here’s the thing though: she’s probably good at whatever game you’re playing so you better be good at it too. Whether it’s Mario Kart or Tiger Woods Golf or the bloody carnage of Grand Theft Auto, she will show no mercy. Practice, practice, practice!

Tip #5: Listen to NPR.

Nerd girls like to stay up to date on their current events…and they like to do it with the dulcet, sometimes somnolent tones of NPR broadcasters. Beware, though, of the onset of NPR depression which stems from listening to so much news and sad stories about flooding in Nova Scotia or the inequities facing migrant workers that you become convinced the world is doomed and there’s no use leaving your house in the morning. This will put a damper on your dating. However, this prevalent disease also will give you an out if you've had to slack off on your NPR duties – just say, “I had to take an NPR break. Sometimes it makes me sad.” This serves two purposes: it gets you off the hook AND it makes you look sensitive. Bonus!

Tip #6: Be interesting.

Whereas a lot of ladies want you to be rich, nerdy women just want you to be interesting. Do you have a comic book collection that spans decades and rests in a vault somewhere untouched by human hands? That’s kinda cool. Are you learning how to do animation so you can one day post the adventures of a hobo cat online? That’s kinda cool too. Maybe you build houses for the poor on weekends or spend an afternoon teaching creative writing to high school kids? Awesome and more awesome. It doesn't matter what you do, just do it well.

Tip #7: Know your pop culture references.

Know the complete works of the Nerd Holy Trinity: Joss Whedon, J.J. Abrams and Peter Jackson. Know that Nathan Fillion will always be on your girl’s “freebie” list. When she goes to church and thanks God that Robert Downey Jr. survived the 1980s so he could play Iron Man, say “Amen” right alongside her. And for the love of all that is sacred and holy, do not EVER get “Star Wars” and “Star Trek” confused: one has Wookiees, one has Shatner, it’s not that hard.

Tip #8: Compliment her by saying, “You remind me so much of Liz Lemon.”

This is truly the highest form of flattery for just about any nerdy woman. Liz Lemon is our patron saint. Her inability to wear high heels, keep food off her face or refrain from making penis jokes while holding a tower made of Legos in her hands makes us reflect fondly on our own quirks. We love her…and you should too.

Tip #9: Embrace her collectibles.

That is not a euphemism for something pervy. It’s just a fact. When you walk into her apartment for the first time and notice a glass cabinet filled with a miniature TARDIS, a sombrero-wearing Giles, a 17-inch Han Solo and a two-foot long replica of the Enterprise NCC-1701-D, do not say, “What the hell is all this stuff?” Instead say, “What the hell? Why don’t you have MORE of this stuff? And may I mail order something for you?”

Tip #10: Be willing to go to conventions.

It’s just a thing we do. Relax and embrace it…and know that nine times out of ten, you’ll catch a glimpse of some nubile young woman dressed as a Princess Leia slave girl. It’s what the universe does to reward patience of our significant others.

Tip #11: Know what to do in a zombie attack.

We've been practicing for this one for a long time. We don't want to have to leave you behind.

Well, that about covers it. Congratulations on taking your first steps on the road to nerd girl nirvana. Know that you have selected the finest kind of woman possible. Way to go, champ!


Thanks for representing, Park Bench!
*This is my new favorite blog*