Mid-Season - The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The fast-paced holiday season is luckily always balanced out by a stall in new television programming. This allows for a nearly audible brain-shift in priorities for television zombies such as myself, wherein we can, for a couple blessed weeks, stop obsessing over how Elena just NEEDS to stop fooling herself and just KISS Damon already... or how it's possible for a show with a cast like Ringer to be so utterly boring... or how down-right A-MAZING Emily VanCamp is at getting Revenge. Instead, we use our otherwise wasted brain-power to concentrate on the important things, ie; stealing holiday goodies from the workplace, mentally forcing ourselves to go the gym to work off said holiday goodies, shopping endless hours for the perfect present for our boss (what, we can't BUY a work promotion?) and making sure our homes are the picture of gaudy (or classy) holiday celebration. And, if you're like me, discover that somehow our DVR is still filled to the brim with recorded shows (damn you holiday specials!).

Despite the onslaught of holiday responsibilities, let's find some time to sit back and discuss the first part of this television season.

Let's start with what DID NOT work for me:

A Gifted Man - I tried, I really, really did try. I adore Patrick Wilson and I have respected Jennifer Ehle ever since I first watched the BBC version of Pride & Prejudice, but this show was just too slow and God-awful boring. Despite Wilson's tremendous acting presence and even his semi-interesting character, there was still not enough to keep me hooked. After four or so episodes, I let it go.

Person of Interest - This show had the same problems as A Gifted Man: great cast, tedious plot lines. I just cannot seem to get into procedural dramas. No matter how you spin them, they are just about as moving as a paper clip documentary. Even Jim Caviezel's manly stubble and bad-boy, emotionally damaged lead couldn't keep me interested. Far worse, Michael Emerson was horribly under-used and his "side-kick" character too constricting for his considerable talents. After five or so episodes, I let it go the way of A Gifted Man.


What's NOT WORKING, but I'm still watching anyway:


Ringer - This is simple. My loyalty to Sarah Michelle Gellar and my interest in nearly all the male leads (Kristoffer Polaha, Ioan Gruffudd and Nestor Carbonell) are the only things tying me to this show. There are such things as good soap opera dramas... and this isn't one of them. I hate to say it, mostly because I hate to dig at anything SMG is attached to, but the truth cannot be denied; this show is a mess. I hold to the small hope that perhaps the story will get better and the twists and turns of the incredibly moronic plot lines will start making some sort of sense, but more than likely I hope in vain. I'll keep watching, but if this show fails to improve, any possible second season will have a hard time making it onto my 2012 list (and let's be honest, a second season pick-up is highly unlikely).



Supernatural - See previous post regarding this show. Season 7. *sigh* I will NEVER stop watching this show. I love the characters too much for that. However, even with Sup-shaped beer goggles on I can see the problems with this show, problems that started half-way through Season 6 and followed us into Season 7. Let's hope the writers start showing our boys some respect, cause I've just about had it with all the doom, gloom and hellfire - and not even a hint of sunlight on the road before or in front of our characters' beloved Impala.



Grimm - Grimm is one of fall's two new ventures into fairy tales and unfortunately it's the one that isn't working out very well (see Once Upon a Time below). The lead, though easy on the eyes, is less easy when it comes to the acting part of his job. As the viewer, you can't help but feel like there's nothing really to him. He gives off little to no emotional weight, especially in the high-intensity situations that he often finds himself in. Where a normal person would ogle, scream and dart away to commit themselves to the loony-bin when they see a suspect shift and morph into a feral, fairytale creature, our lead merely stands there looking confused and constipated. One of the few saving graces to this show is our lead's unwilling "side-kick", a reformed werewolf who loves Christmas and plays the cello. Actor Silas Weir Mitchell brings to Grimm all the heavy emotion that our lead fails to deliver - and he's a wonder to watch. I will keep watching if only for him, and for the Buffy connections that got me to watch in the first place.


What I am LOVING:



Revenge - This is such a given, right? If you've been anywhere near a water-cooler lately, you'll have heard of the soapy greatness of this show. To be honest, I wasn't expecting to enjoy this show as much as I have. It creeps up on you and despite your best intentions (you WERE going to watch only Emmy-worthy shows this season, right?), you can't get enough of VanCamp's cold-eyed stare and merciless hunt for revenge. And the fact that the guy from Roswell (Nick Wechsler) plays a lead character in the show doesn't hurt much either. This show is fun, campy and despite what you may think, actually a lighter fare than some of the other shows on television right now.



American Horror Story - The word "insane" barely covers it. This is one of those shows that you cannot even find words to describe, mostly because you have no idea what in the hell is going on. And somehow, it works. You can't hate crazy like this, and you certainly can't ignore crazy like this. This should have been an unmarketable show, a show that normal, non-psycho humans would take one look at and place in the "DO NOT TOUCH - NIGHTMARES" pile at home. As it turns out, my generation (and the one before it and the one after it), love bat-shit crazy shows. Go figure. And you know what? This is the most fun I've had cringing on my bed since watching the first three Freddy Kruger movies back-to-back at the tender age of 13. Bring it on, Ryan Murphy. We can take anything you throw at us - even a dead serial killer in a rubber sex suit.



2 Broke Girls - Anyone who knows me knows I'm not a sitcom-lover. I mostly stick to dramas, they are just more my speed. Every now and then I run across some really great comedies; How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, Modern Family, New Girl, Happy Endings. 2 Broke Girls is one of these hidden gems, like Revenge, that you just didn't see coming. I enjoy this show SO much and thank goodness I watch it alone, in my own home, because I would hate to laugh like this in public. Kat Dennings is my hero and I want to be her so much it hurts. I don't know much about comedy; not the timing or chemistry or any other important aspect that makes it work - but whatever it needs to work, and work well, 2 Broke Girls has it in spades.



Once Upon a Time - I heard bad reviews on this show before I even saw one scene of it. Sometimes, you just have to go with your gut. And I am so glad I did. This show may not be for everyone. Fairy tales are everywhere right now and it's only logical that people are going to start digging into our modern representations of them. In the end, it's all about the writing. Good writing can take a horrible idea and make it into gold. Bad writing can take a great idea and turn it into poo. That's the simple truth of all writing, whether it's for novels, movies, television, plays, etc. Of course, thousands of other aspects go into the making of, let's say, an episode of television. It doesn't all hinge on good writing, but it will come to nothing without it. I trust these writers. These are LOST writers and producers. Even if they were serving up some crappy procedural (ie: see Person of Interest), I would still give it a try. And I am loving Once Upon a Time. You can tell that the few episodes that have aired have barely scratched the surface of the mythology behind this show. I am already seeing the beginnings of Lost 2.0: Storybrooke Island. And there's nothing wrong with that; if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I can't wait to see where the writers will take us with this tale. Every episode is exciting adventure; pretty, emotional poignant and even passingly clever.


Looking Forward:



Justified - The FX promos are blowing me away, and that comes from someone in the television promo business. January 17th can't come soon enough. I am in desperate need of my Timothy Olyphant fix.




Spartacus - This is such a bittersweet return. With the passing of its first season's star, Andy Whitfield, a sad cloud hangs over the show. However, Whitfield's replacement, Liam McIntyre, is a force to be reckoned with in his own right. And he looks eerily similar to Whitfield. I am very much looking forward to the return of the show and I can't wait to see how McIntyre stands up in this role. Plus: blood, sex, tears! Returns January 27th on Starz.



Downton Abbey - And here I thought I was the only one who watched British period mini-series. Apparently I am not the only one who appreciates great writing and even greater acting, British-style. This show's first season received critical acclaim and it's second season is said to be just as good. Watching snotty, uptight British nobility sip tea and recite class prejudices will be a great counter to Spartans bloodying Roman nobility, also over class prejudices. Returns January 8th on PBS.

Alcatraz - I know next to nothing about this show - but the few things I do know, I'm totally on-board with: Alcatraz (ever since The Rock, anything dealing with this prison-island is a good thing, in my opinion), Jorge Garcia (this guy can do no wrong in my book), and creepy, mysterious ghosts (always a good hook). Premieres January 16th on FOX.


Of course, there are so many others I am not mentioning, but still chugging away at; The Walking Dead, Terra Nova, Happy Endings, The Vampire Diaries, Dexter, Castle, Glee, and countless more. But our days are not endless and I do have a job, after all. For the record, I am watching and enjoying all the shows listed above - they just don't hit on my fall highlights list. But that doesn't mean they aren't worth watching.

Here's hoping your holiday is full of candy, cheer and perhaps enough downtime to catch up on your backed-up DVR, because a clean DVR is a happy DVR.

Happy Holidays!

Fall TV is Here!

Ok people, the fall TV season has officially begun. Last night saw some of the first premieres of the season, one of which I will be happily (Oh, Damon, how I've missed your evil, tortured charm) returning to, The Vampire Diaries, and the other a new show that has received some good reviews so I'm going to try it on for size (Nikita).

I haven't had a chance to try Nikita yet, but I excitedly took in The Vampire Diaries premiere last night and it did not disappoint. The episode, entitled "The Return", was one of their best hours to date and it gives me hope that the show will offer up even better fare this year than it did last year. Nina Dobrev should get a nice pat on the back for her work playing both the sinister Katherine and the not-quite-pure-as-the-driven-snow Elena. Switching back and forth between the two must have been a pretty challenging job but she pulled it off surprisingly well. You could definitely see how much fun she was having while playing Katherine. As for Paul Wesley, I was expecting the usual from him and his character (you know, the brooding, the TORTURE, etc, etc), but to my surprise I found Stefan to be nearly as exciting to watch as Damon. What with his recent walk on the dark side, it seems Stefan has become a little less one-dimensional, a little less frowny-forehead and a little more "not gonna take any more shit from NO ONE". Also surprisingly, Paul Wesley seemed VERY up to the task of playing Stefan in this new light. Which is to say, not completely blood-crazy evil and not completely broodingly calm and collected, but something in between the two sides of him we've already seen. All in all, everyone did a great job on the episode and I was completely entertained.

Ian is still my favorite though. But, no surprise there. He is EW's Sexiest Beast, after all.

As for the rest of the upcoming season, I have quite the pile of shows. I'll be watching my usual: Life Unexpected, Parenthood, Castle, Chuck, House, Glee, Modern Family, The Big Bang Theory, Bones, Fringe, Grey's Anatomy, The Mentalist, Smallville, Supernatural, Human Target and Dexter.

But I also have a couple new shows that I'll be trying out as well: Boardwalk Empire, Hawaii Five-0, Lone Star, The Event, Undercovers, No Ordinary Family and The Walking Dead.

I am particularly excited about The Walking Dead, which will premiere on AMC on Halloween night. Nothing like a zombie comic book for television material. I might have nightmares for the rest of the year, but it'll be totally worth it. Check out the trailer-like promo below and tell me I'm lying:

Throughout the season, I'll pop in here and let you know my thoughts on the new shows. A Yea or Nay on my part could save you a lot of viewing time, let me tell you. Until then, TV-watchers.

10 Reasons Dating a Vampire Sucks

In this day and age where vampires, both the good and the naughty, are all the blood-thirsty rage, little twittering tween girls (and oh, I admit, me too) will gladly give you about a million reason why dating Edward or Stefan or Mr. Bill Compton (or if you're old school like me, Spike or Angel) would be the only thing worth living (or hey, dying!) for, the ever insightful Park Bench throws its weight with the opposing camp with 10 Reasons Dating a Vampire Sucks.

Now, it's not necessarily true that you can only ever find yourself a vamp-boytoy who doesn't merely sparkle like a gay little fairy in the sun or that doesn't happen to have a family ring that acts as the most powerful sunblock in existence - but I'm sure there are vamps out there who DO burn-up like La Push driftwood if caught in the sun. And it's not necessarily true that every eligible vampire has such bad fashion sense as to always tend towards wearing capes... or that every hot, young, single vamp has a garlic allergy... but anything is possible.

I'm just saying... Don't knock it til you've tried it... I mean...ummm...

10 Reasons Dating a Vampire Sucks

10. They can't go outside in the daytime.
Honestly, you might as well be dating a well-dressed rock for all the daytime action you won't be enjoying with this dead weight around your neck. No days out at the art fair or trips to the ballgame. Even if you somehow get him to the beach, he'll just embarrass you with his gamy white skin before bursting into flames and taking his shame with him. And in the time it takes him to immolate, you wouldn't even be able to roast a marshmallow. Vampires even ruin beach s'mores. Jerks.

9. They don't like garlic...and now you can't either.
Remember all those fun times and delicious meals you had at your local Olive Garden? Yeah, I hope you took some pictures because those were the last bread sticks and meatballs you'll ever ingest, thanks to the big pasty loser moping next to you.

8. They're invisible in mirrors.
Vampires can't see their own reflections. That means your bloodlusty beau will be depending on you, missy, to tell him what he looks like EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY. "Do these pants make me look hippy?" "Does this cape make me look fey?" "Is my widow's peak too derivative of Grandpa Munster?" Natter, natter, natter. Trust me, you're going to wish you could stake him twice.

7. They're nocturnal.
You know how sometimes your cat spazzes out and gets all hyper in the middle of the night, running back and forth over your face and yowling until you pet it? Right there? That's your new boyfriend. He just hasn't decided to poop in a box yet.

6. Stranger in a strange land syndrome
Have you ever gone to a foreign country and met one of your countrymen out of the blue and suddenly, you two are best friends because there's no one else like you within a 50 mile radius? Count Lonelypants is going to do that too. He'll want to be friends with every other vampire he runs into. And then he'll drag them back to your place and they'll stay up all night drinking hamsters and talking about is how much Transylvania's changed and how you never want to let him bite you anymore even though you guys used to bite each other like bunnies four or five times a day. Wah, wah, wah!

5. He'll relate to every vampyric pop culture reference ever made.
Want to make a joke about "Twilight?" He'll sulk for days. Casually mention that no vampire will ever be better than Spike? He'll lock himself in his casket for a week. Declare that Coppola's "Dracula" wasn't as bad as you remembered? He'll freeze you out for months. Even worse, he'll get all excited about the vampires he likes -- Count Chocula, Bram Stoker, Ann Coulter. Boring!

4. He'll be skittish around the word "stake."
No more "going Outback tonight" for you guys. The first time he hears "$9.99 for a 6 ounce steak" he's going to run like a pretty little girl, and berate you for your insensitivity. And then you'll laugh and laugh and laugh...

3. He'll be all arrogant and authoritative about vampire lore.
Could Bugs Bunny really turn that vampire into a bat by saying, "Hocus Pocus?" Would the mullets of "The Lost Boys" have been accepted within the stylist wheelhouse? Do fang whiteners really work? And how the hell do you floss overgrown incisors anyway? He'll tell you, and probably in a fancy voice.

2. One word: capes
Some of your more old school and debonair vampires likely will wear capes, better suited to sweeping departures down dark alleys and hiding stolen watches for sale after baseball games. That's all well and good, but here's your problem. Have you ever tried to hang up a cape? It's impossible! There's no shoulders or sleeves; they just slide right off the hanger. So then you just drape them over a chair right? No, because then they get wrinkled. How about hanging them over a balcony? Again with the wrinkles. You could pin them to something, but then there's holes in the fabric. You, quite literally, will spend weeks trying to figure out what to do with this goddamn cape.

1. Everyone hates a biter.
Remember in grade school when there was always some little boy named Timmy or Blake who would run up and just randomly bite people to get attention? Remember how much you hated him and tried to stuff him into the tire swing? Your buddy Count Nipalot is going to want to bite you ALL THE TIME. And sure, the first few times are fun if you're into that, but after a while, you're going to get anemic and then you're going to have to eat more spinach. So think about that: biting and spinach. What kind of life is that?


I really do hate spinach...

Check out Park Bench for all your nerdy needs. I just can't handle them all by myself. It's just too much pressure!

Supernatural & The Vampire Diaries

Hello Evil, it's me Lauren.

One quick question, if you have the time to spare. I know your schedule is pretty busy on Thursday nights, so you're probably sleeping in right now but if I could just have a second of your time...

Evil, why do you get all the crazy awesome people? Honestly. Why does Good get all the boring, brooding tool-belts and you get all the delightfully stirring, wickedly amusing recruits? I know Lucifer is bad and all, but when you put him in that totally yummy Mark Pellegrino suit, I just can't help but be tempted to the Dark Side. That's not to say I don't still swoon over my two favorite demon-hunters and their trusty angel sidekick - there is Much Ado About Swooning during the 9 o'clock hour on Thursday nights - but even our good guys are now walking the thin(ning) line between Good and Evil. Watching them slap around a bunch of oafish angels is almost more fun than watching them kick demon butt up and down the US of A for four years. As for Good, if Stefan was any more of an sulking, brooding, Angel wannabe, Paul Wesley will have to start referring to himself as Boreanaz, David. His whole "I Want to Drink Your Blood But I Don't Want to Hurt You Because I'm Like a Cuddly Vampire Puppy Dog" conflict is so very obvious and so "been there, seen that a million times already". But Damon, though he too reflects a certain bleach-blonde Buffy alum, has such deliciously complex potential - with just the right amount of evil BA-ness and charming playfulness - there's just no contest between the two. Sure, Damon enjoys to eat people every now and then and as someone who considers herself pretty Pro-Good, I shouldn't really be into that, but at least he's got some charisma, some depth to him. And what about Sam? I'm already dreaming of the good old days when Sam would celebrate a hard day's work of demon smack-down with his own version of demon smacking, nay, snacking down. You catch my drift? With the topsey-turvy world of Sam and Dean forcing them now to fight against the forces of good, therefore knocking them out of that category altogether (capturing an Arch Angel? Really Dean? That is sooooo bad), I'm thinking your side, Evil, is looking pretty good right about now.

So, when's your next meet and greet? And if I swear to join your side, do you think you could introduce me to Ian Somerhalder?

Best Wish With All Your Evil Endeavors,

Lauren

The Vampire Diaries

As much as I would like to devote hours upon hours to perfecting an absolutely fabulous post about this new CW show, alas, work calls with even more demand this week as my horde of bosses live it up in New York City for Promax while I stew here in their absence, covering all their non-stop phone calls and emails. If I sound bitter, I am.

Ok, enough whining. Now for some classic CW eye-candy. Below you can check out an extended preview for The Vampire Diaries. Go on, you know you want to look...




Ok, now back to the whining. I read this series, first published 1991, as a young teenager. When this story was first published, it was released in four different books (The Awakening, The Struggle, The Fury and Dark Reunion). Check out a couple of the original covers below.


More recently, most likely due to the success of Twilight, Harper re-published the series in two different books, two volumes per book. Again, please review a couple of the newer covers below. The second one, if you're curious, is a fifth volume that Smith just released, also probably due to the success of Twilight.


Now, does anyone here notice anything wrong with this picture, when compared to our lovely extended preview? If you're thinking, "Oh, isn't it odd that Elena has dark brown hair in the show and yet, both sets of covers show her with light blond hair", you are a very clever person indeed. In the books, Elena is described as "cool, BLONDE and slender". When Damon first shows himself in crow form, unknown to the reader or to Elena, his "wings ruffling her blonde hair", the reader is now pretty sure she is...what?...oh that's right, BLONDE! There is a lot of room for adaption between a book and television series, but that aspect of Elena, that her hair is a beautiful, sleek blonde and that she has stunning blue (sometimes described as lapis lazuli) eyes, is something that is described a ton throughout the books. I'm guessing it was Smith's way of enhancing the physical differences between her and the two dark, Italian vampire brothers. Needless to say, the fact that she is brunette in the show - not a choice I'm happy with or anyone else should be happy with either.

Despite that fact, I am actually very excited about this show. I'm not sure how they are going to pull off more than one season worth of material, but I'm guessing they will probably change around a lot of stuff. For instance, Damon seems to be around starting from nearly the beginning, but in the books, he doesn't show himself out of crow form until much later. Also, Stefan doesn't have ANY friends in town, so I'm not sure who the man is that he is speaking with in the preview.

These books don't hold a candle to Meyer's writing in Twilight, but out of two series, they are without a doubt the best choice to adapt into a show. In fact, The CW is a perfect network to show it, seeing as the books now come off as beginning a little to YOUNG adult, emphasis on the young. It should do quite well with that audience. Don't get me wrong, I watch the CW (Smallville and Supernatural) and have since I was 15 or so, but it definitely caters to a certain type of market. One that should gobble this series right up.

So, what do you think? Yea or nay? Are we loving the fact that Ian Somerhalder, famous LOST veteran, is starring as the deliciously dangerous Damon? I know I am.